Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
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Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
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ʸ
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DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
s
oc
i
a
l
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”