My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
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Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.