wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
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My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Meanwhile in Portland…
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
The funk soul brother
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!