Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
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Bitcoin. Toothurt.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover