My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
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turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.