This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
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I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?