Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
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If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news