“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
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Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.