Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
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MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Happy Star Wars day!
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.