How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
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Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I ate everything, including the H.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.