I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.