Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
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Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.