Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
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One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
I would like even faster food.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.