cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
You Might Also Like
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*