I can also cook 😂
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Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Fight
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Comparing yourself to others
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation