“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
You Might Also Like
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I’m calling the cops.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Matt Goss
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.