A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
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[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti