Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
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At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
My circle of trust is a meatball
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?