I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
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I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
getting old is fun
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…