The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
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Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
barbara was highly relatable
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Hey I worked for it too!
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”