Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
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Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Hero horse inspires millions
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.