As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
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Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.