Being rude underwater is snarkeling
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*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
This did not end as expected.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.