You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
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My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.