My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
You Might Also Like
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”