Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
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what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.