My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
You Might Also Like
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes