My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
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Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order