A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
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Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.