Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
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Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Usage Guidelines
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling