KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
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My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
A classic…
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him