[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
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Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
the icebreaker
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*