I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
You Might Also Like
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money