My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
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I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
This classic never gets old . . .
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”