If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
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Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”