[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
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[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
This forever.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Pat is about to own someone
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.