[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
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judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH