When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
You Might Also Like
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe