*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
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My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
asking santa clause for nudes
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Eggs benadryl my favourite