Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
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Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no