kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
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6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK