If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
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Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
do what now??
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”