How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
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Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.