* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
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I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.