confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
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*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
congratulations to them
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*