i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
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Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Only short people can save us
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS