Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
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The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
That’s enough internet for the day
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face