Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
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“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?