Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
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Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”