I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
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My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.